I woke up this morning and assembled the new lawn mower while I waited for the air conditioner guy to come and tell me why my ac keeps breaking and it occurred to me that I never planned to do this alone.
While I was mowing the lawn, that had become quite overgrown in the last two weeks, I ran over the sprinkler head hidden in the grass and broke the sprinkler system and realized that I couldn’t call you for help.
The air conditioner guy told me that the problem is a pretty big problem and while he was talking he got a phone call, answered in Creole, speaking quickly and emphatically, and when he hung up he looked at me and said “Family, right?’. And I thought, no. Not right. But I just smiled.
The man left and I went into my room that I just finished painting last night to look at it in the morning light and wondered what you would think of the colors.
I went to acupuncture and was told that my heart fire is burning and my pulse is weak and I wished that maybe it would just stop so I could see you again.
I drove on I95 back home and was nearly smashed into by an old guy driving a Rolls Royce and I thought to myself, you just missed.
I went in the house and looked at the pile of blankets that need storing. I stood with them in my arms for a long time just staring at your bedroom door and then put the blankets back on the floor and thought I just can’t go in there.
I decided I need new sheets and new sneakers so I went back out to Kohl’s and couldn’t look for sneakers because I couldn’t go through the men’s department without choking on sounds of your laughter and thought to myself I wished I had bought you that shirt you wanted that day.
Next I went to Target, not realizing how close we are to a new school year beginning. Tons of moms with their kids looking at clothes and notebooks. That was a terrible idea.
So I thought I would stop for dinner on my way home because these days I don’t keep much food in the house because you aren’t there to eat me out of house and home and I silently admonish myself for ever complaining that you ate the last cookie or drank milk from the carton.
I pull into the parking lot at Chipotle and think to myself that I know this was where we used to eat on most Tuesday nights but I can do this and then standing in line waiting for my turn there is a boy a few people ahead of me with dreads in his hair and all I can do is stare out the window and choke back tears.
I head home and take the dogs to the park and all I want to do is sit on your bench that is dedicated just for you to spend a moment in peace with you but there is a couple sitting there and she is laying with her head in his lap with her feet up, blocking your plaque and I just want to smash her and I think of you and know you would not be impressed with that behavior so I just keep walking.
I get home and check my phone and see an ex-client’s mother has texted me to tell me her son is in jail and what should she do and I have to bite back the response: ‘Be grateful he’s not dead’.
I feed the dogs and eat my dinner by myself in my house and wonder again, for the 800 billionth time, how I could have intervened in the universe to prevent this.
Finally, it’s time for bed and I turn down the house and close my bedroom door, which I have only done since you’ve been gone because I don’t want to open my eyes in the middle of the night and not see you walk to the kitchen for a snack.
And as I lay there in my empty house and try to sleep all I can think about how much I really missed you today.
And realize today is exactly like most.