Ok World.. (deep breath in) Here we go….
I feel like I have said that a lot in my life, but never so much as in the last year.
I am doing this! I am doing this!! I am actually I am doing this!! I have no idea if any of this will work out and I am scared to death to share my pain and my life with all of you, dear readers, like terrifyingly exhilarated (is that a thing? It feels like a thing) but I am trusting in the goodness of the universe and the benevolent plan of God.
Plus, after the year I’ve had… I kinda feel like He owes me one.
So here goes Big Dog. With tears streaming down my face and feeling freer..of all things, FREER than I have ever felt, I am giving myself to the will of the fates and trusting that this is the beginning of something great and something meaningful and something that will truly honor my son and his life. He had no fear, as evidenced by the way he died. A quality that I admired but that terrified me. For good reason, as it turns out. When he was young, I was wild for all the wrong reasons and once I grew up, I became cautious. Trapped in fear of living. Fear of failing. Fear of succeeding. Fear of letting go. Fear of being free. I was so wrapped up in fear, trying to set a good example. Trying to make up for the sins of my past that I never even enjoyed the moments we were in. What’s next? What chore needs to be done? How responsible can I be to prove (to everyone who wasn’t even watching) that I am good? I felt that if I worked hard enough and laid down enough restrictions that he would respect me and think I was good. I wanted my son to think I was a good mom. So I lived in fear.
The irony is that his death set me free. And I hate that and I thank him. Not for his death but for his lesson of his life. That it is ok to live on the edge.
And so here it is. My leap of faith. Into the Abyss and the Whim of the Universe.
And all I keep thinking is Please God: Don’t Drop The Ball.